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RETARDED IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION

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Sunday, March 4th, 2007
11:12 am - DIELECTORATE
Hi, I'm Independent McPunditron, and it's time for your Unclouded Perspective 3/4 Minute with me, Independent McPunditron. Today we have to talk about Barack Hussein Obama.


The thing about Barack Hussein Obama is that Barack Hussein Obama is a liberal, who is named Barack Hussein Obama, which is probably unrelated but I figure I'll go for precision here. Here we talk about facts.

Barack Hussein Obama is a politician, in Congress. He has held positions on multiple occasions. Those positions have been described as "liberal" by people who know Barack Hussein Hussein Obama.

Some of those positions have been different from positions that others hold. Enough about that, though, my American listeners, because there are truly real concerns that a conscientious and clear-thinking electorate must have, about Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Obama.

Photographed in public, on multiple occasions, standing next to people who you might not entirely trust, Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein allegiance to, possibly even confirmed definite possible obvious affiliations with, well, I'm trying to be responsible here, but, organizations, you see, whose aims may be...unsavory. And he's quite glib, you know. I think it's safe to say that some people will stop at nothing to smear their honorable opponents with a broad brush, and those people include Barack Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Hussein Osama. Obama. Back to you, Stone.

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Saturday, November 18th, 2006
3:30 pm - Voice Post
VoicePost Help
366K 1:43
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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
11:23 pm
Whew. Okay. I've calmed down a smidge.

Do you think you're good at arguing? Do you practice on the Internet?

Specifically, do you think you're good at arguing on the Internet? Do you feel, below your genuine, cautious modesty, that you possess the objective detachment, the mental acumen, the voluble nature, the rhetorical firepower, the wide general knowledge, the professional or personal credentials, and the skill to find out what you don't know from Internet or other resources to such a great degree that you can drag even the toughest and most irrational Internet opponents to at least a stalemate?

Do you sometimes, very secretly, suspect that people react negatively to your arguments because they're phrased in such a stunningly cogent way that your outclassed opponents are incapable of rebuttal?

Yeah. Me too.

We're pretty awesome, you and I. Congratulations. I think it's time to slow down.

Seriously. We are All-Stars of the Internet. We're like the Harlem Globetrotters of messageboards and blog comments and Usenet and MySpace. I think it's unfair, in a way, that we still play in these friendly confines. (I'm going to use as much sports metaphor as I can, I've decided.) We're vets. We're old hands. We're perennial contenders. We're the Hall-of-Famers.

Do you know what the All-Stars, what the Hall-of-Famers, do, when they've proven themselves? When they're at the peak of their storied careers? They start to take it easier. They don't bring their A games to every at-bat. Maybe we, the All-Star Hall-of-Famers of the Internet, should take a cue from them. Let's start looking at pitches.

Let's not take every challenge personally. Let's not seek to prove our overwhelming dominance at every opportunity. Let's not sink every millimeter of our formidable incisors into every meaty issue we see. Let's take our seats as elder statesmen and let the newcomers hone their chops. The fight's over, guys. We won.

No, we haven't convinced everybody we're right. Was that...was that your goal? It sure wasn't mine. Not really. I just wanted to think I could be smart or wise or sage, that I could be respected for my thought process. It didn't stem so much from insecurity as from the natural desire to get good and be good at something. And the desire to interact. With people, you know? And I won that. So did you, I bet. You've got something. But you shouldn't hold on too tight. Because arguing on the Internet, well...

Let's say the public credibility of arguing on the Internet has...slipped, of late. As the phenomenon has grown in prominence. Let's get while the getting's good.

It's not resting on our laurels. It's not giving up the fight. We're pacing ourselves for the long haul.

I don't care if you think what you do is effortless. It won't be forever.

I've just inducted myself into my personal, newly minted Internet Hall of Fame.

Who's next?

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11:40 am - DEAR INTERNET
THANK YOU FOR INFORMING ME THAT THERE IS A SEARCH ENGINE CALLED "GOOGLE" WHICH DISPENSES USEFUL INFORMATION BASED ON KEYWORDS WITH A HIGH DEGREE OF RELIABILITY! I THOUGHT I WAS AWARE OF THIS PHENOMENON BUT APPARENTLY I DO NOT DEPEND UPON IT HEAVILY ENOUGH

I APOLOGIZE FOR ASKING YOU A QUESTION I COULD HAVE ASKED A WEBSITE!!! GOOD THING YOU HAVE A FOOLPROOF WAY OF FIGURING OUT WHO TO BE A SNARKY COCK TO

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Saturday, July 1st, 2006
1:20 pm
quasimogul: i want to do a goth beatles cover/tribute band
quasimogul: 1) P.S. I Hate Myself
quasimogul: 2) Yellow Industrial-Looking Submersible
weristdergral: morbid just to dance with you
weristdergral: i'll cry instead
weristdergral: WAIT
weristdergral: obla di obla dead
quasimogul: Ticket To Die
weristdergral: heh
weristdergral: wild honey die?
quasimogul: A Hard Night's Night
weristdergral: why dont we do it in the morgue
quasimogul: When I'm 666
weristdergral: haha
weristdergral: lovely rita (meter maid of darkness)
quasimogul: Mean Mr. Mephistopheles
quasimogul: Eleanor Deadby
quasimogul: Got To Get You Into My Afterlife
quasimogul: While My FM Synthesizer Gently Weeps
weristdergral: lucy in the sky with ornate daggers
weristdergral: with a little help from my bats
quasimogul: March of the Piggies
weristdergral: maggie slay
quasimogul: Birthday (Alone And Miserable)
quasimogul: Getting Worse
weristdergral: THATS A SMITHS SONG
quasimogul: eh
weristdergral: almost
quasimogul: With A Little Help From My Fiends
weristdergral: i like bats better
quasimogul: oh shit i forgot bats
quasimogul: bats is good
weristdergral: baby you can drive my hearse
quasimogul: YES
weristdergral: axman
weristdergral: maxwell's silver hammer of the gods
quasimogul: this is sounding more like death metal of some sort
quasimogul: i was trying to do something there
quasimogul: maxwell's silver hypodermic
weristdergral: haha
quasimogul: octopus's graveyard
weristdergral: and your raven can sing?
quasimogul: Here, There and Everywhere (SADNESS)
quasimogul: Norwegian Blood
weristdergral: ghoul on the hill
quasimogul: happiness is a cold knife
quasimogul: rocky horror raccoon
quasimogul: sexy sadie the suicidegirl
quasimogul: i feel like this is running into the ground and digging a furrow
weristdergral: ouch
weristdergral: !
weristdergral: wait that has been done.
weristdergral: goodbye goodbye?
weristdergral: a trench really
quasimogul: a mass grave
weristdergral: :( :(

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Saturday, June 24th, 2006
4:01 pm - DO THE ARBA MINIM WARP! IT'S THE PRAYER SENSATION THAT'S SCHWEEPING THE DIASPORA


it's just an etroq to the left
and a lulav to the right
and then you bend your knees
and keep your kippah tight
and then you daven in place
and say shemoneh isrei-yay-yay-yay-yay
let's do the arba minim warp again!

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Thursday, May 11th, 2006
8:45 am - two things
1. The song "We're An American Band" by Yo La Tengo is absolutely not at all a Grand Funk Railroad cover.

2. My new dream is to write a popular song about America, so that my band is invited to play the Republican National Convention when Condoleezza Rice is nominated in 2008; once onstage, we will instead play "Brown Sugar". I will be wearing blackface.

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